Republicans vs Jesus

News and Politics

“Listen, Bernie got to get saved, he’s got to meet Jesus. I don’t know, he’s got to have a coming-to-Jesus meeting,” – These are the words of television pastor Mark Burns, who recently had the (supposed) privilege of introducing Donald Trump at a campaign event in South Carolina [1]. Now despite my own firmly agnostic position on theological matters, I can’t help but wonder – If Jesus was to finally descend from the heavens and have a one on one sit-down with Bernie Sanders, what would his holiness think of the old fart?

Here’s the thing; the “Grand Old Party” has a grand old Jesus problem. While the right-wing here in Britain can’t stop obsessing over Winston Churchill, look across the pond and its all Jesus this and Jesus that. What would Jesus think of Obamacare? What would Jesus have to say about Clinton’s email scandal? What would Jesus have for breakfast? (not McDonald’s).

Remember the first GOP debate? That is, when the number of candidates was still more than enough to fill a football team? Anyway, as is usually the case with these things, the event followed a topic based layout; with each candidate given the chance to weigh in on the important issues of the day. They discussed how best to fix the economy, how to most effectively deport the Mexicans and how to bring a lasting peace to the Middle East (carpet bombing, obviously).

And then, after a flurry of anticipation, came the part where they finally get to talk about God. One by one, like a group of exited choirboys, the kids obediently lined up to shower praise upon the all omnipotent space wizard. Ted Cruz decided to quote the Bible, Scott Walker went on about “the blood of Christ”, while John Kasich said that he believes in miracles; although to be fair, by this stage only a miracle can save his failing campaign.

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“take care of first”? The gays, of course.

Now I think even the most devoted of American Christians should accept that religion has no place in politics; and anyone who disagrees should kindly refer to the first line of the first amendment. However what is interesting here, is that if Jesus did finally decide to have his much anticipated second coming, I highly doubt he’d approve of all these republicans hijacking his image.  Like it or not, Jesus wasn’t just just left wing. In fact, he was so left wing that he would make the likes of Bernie Sanders or Jeremy Corbyn look like Mussolini in comparison. Here are some of my favorite Bible quotes about the filthy Socialist:

Poor people go to heaven – “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the Kingdom of God” – Luke 6:20-26

Rich people on the other hand – “How terrible for you who are rich now, for you have had your easy life and will get no more…” – Luke 6:24

In case you still had any doubts – “Truly, I say unto you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 19:23

Give all you own to the poor – “Sell everything you have and give to the poor” – Luke 18:22

And again – “Sell your possessions and give to the poor” – Luke 12:33

Ewww, free stuff – “But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” – Luke 14:13-14

In case of a terrorist attack – “Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” – Matthew 5:39

So you’re saying we shouldn’t bomb them? – “I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you.” – Matthew 5:44

I could go on, but I think we all get the point. To steal a joke from Bill Maher, the American right seems to have created their own Jesus. In his own words – “Liberals have the traditional Jesus who hated rich assholes and wouldn’t shut up about how they should give away all their money and conservatives made up a completely new Jesus; a small business man from Galilee who’s main gripe is big government and who wants to make Nazareth great again” [2].

jesus

“And then Jesus said, ‘give the 1% a tax cut, bomb Iraq and see if the sand will glow’ – Tedcruzious 13:11

As another dirty, atheist, leftist once said – “Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind”Mikhail Gorbachev

 

 

 

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